Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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