If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
