It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
