No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
