He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
