No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
