I just cut my nipple shaving
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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