the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
