I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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