Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i wish my penis had a tongue
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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