when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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