I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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