he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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