The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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