i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I wish there were birth control emojis
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
