why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
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You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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