The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
