We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
