Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
