I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.