I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
