How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
