next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
