i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
