The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
