Sorry, I don't speak sober.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
