My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
