we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
