i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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