No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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