I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
