The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm at about main and main street
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
