When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
