ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
