So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Small penises have feelings too.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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