I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
