Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
