I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i think i have herpe
just one?
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His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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