Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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