I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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