Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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