i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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