I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
