A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
