hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
