the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
