K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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