It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
