the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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