The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
