Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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