It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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