Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i believe in u and ur pee
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
