Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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