you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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