just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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