oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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