ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
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Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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