I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize