Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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