This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
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I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
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I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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